Why Your Family’s Dream Vacation
May Not Be Fun For You

I’ll always remember my lowest vacation moment. It happened in a bustling Las Vegas casino while eating lunch with my husband and two children. We had come to celebrate my ESTP son’s 21st birthday in December. It was my idea because I knew Las Vegas was his idea of a dream vacation. Yet after just a day or two, I was miserable. There was no escape from the crowds, the constant clanging of the slot machines, and the blinking neon lights. It was the opposite of solitary confinement and as an INFJ, I was finding it just as tortuous. At that moment, unaware of my thoughts, my son turned to me and said, “I’m having a great time!” I burst into tears.

That’s when I realized, depending on their different temperaments, one person’s vacation heaven could be another person’s vacation hell.

I asked mothers of different personality types to describe their dream vacations and what kind of vacation wouldn’t be a vacation to them at all. Here’s what I find out.

• Nobody loves vacations more than Perceiving types. “My husband and I are both Ps,” says Gloria, “Whenever marital tensions start building, we know that getting-away is a sure-fire cure. We rent a house in beautiful natural setting, and although we still have to make meals and do dishes, we always have fun.”
• But Perceiving types don’t like to be boxed in. “My favorite vacations are when we wander off the beaten path and discover something unexpected – a quirky restaurant, a hidden waterfall, or a conversation with a local fisherman,” says Elizabeth, ESFP, “I think being part of a tour group on a set route and schedule would get old fast.” Helen, INFP, echoes this: “I like to move from place to place, exploring. Heaven for me is waking up each morning and deciding what we want to do over breakfast. Staying a week at a family resort with three meals a day and structured activities is not for me.”
• Judging types, on the other hand, can only relax if there’s structure. “My best family vacations have been at family resorts – a nature retreat in Georgia and a family camp in Minnesota,” says, Kate, ENTJ, “I love having set meals and a schedule of interesting activities we can sign up for. At work and at home, I’m the one who is making the plan and the structure. It’s a real vacation to have someone else doing that for me.”
• J types do a lot of planning up front. “I need to set the plan for the week right away,” says, Lizzy, ESFJ, “I like to know on Monday we’re laying out by the pool, on Tuesday we’re renting a boat, on Wed. we’re going on an site-seeing excursion.” Kate, ENTJ, says, “I have a game plan already set up before I leave, what sites we’re going to see, tickets to events purchased. To me it’s a chore and I don’t want to waste my vacation time doing it.”
• For some J types, the work of vacation almost outweighs the benefit. “I have a long list of to-dos before I go – packing, canceling the mail, making arrangements for the dog. Going on vacation seems like just another project I’m working on,” says, Kate, ENTJ, “Then coming back is hard. Things pile up at work and at home. Sometimes I think maybe just taking a night off with friends or going to a seminar would be more fun and relaxing, because I wouldn’t have all the prep-time and make-up time.”
• Both Introverted and Extraverted types savor exclusive family-time. Helen, INFP, says, “Vacations are a time for the immediate family to get closer; I have little interest in socializing with strangers.” Elizabeth, ESFP, says, “We all have such busy schedules, especially now that the kids are older, that being all together without outside distractions is a treasure. Yet after about a week, each of us starts missing our rich social life outside the family.”
• However, Extraverts are more likely to invite along another family. “We love vacationing with another family. There’s more to do, the adults and kids both have companionship, and we get to see things through other people’s eyes,” says, Lizzy, ESFJ. Nicole, an INFJ, a mother of an Extraverted only child, says, “We’ve tried having my daughter bring a friend on vacation so I’d feel less pressure to constantly interact with her. After a few days I was spending too much time refereeing the tensions between them. It wasn’t a perfect solution.”
• Intuitive types like learning and novelty. “We love taking classes together at Ghost Ranch, New Mexico,” says, Nicole, INFJ. “Our favorite vacation is Cornell University’s Family Camp. Nothing is more fun than learning something new,” says, Maria, INTJ. “It has to be different every year for me,” says, Helen, INFP, “It’s hard to go back to the same spot.” “While we were visiting Prague, my daughter wanted to go to the zoo, and I thought that is so boring - why spend our time going to a zoo when there are so many new and novel things to do here,” says, Kate, ENTJ, “But we went and surprisingly, the zoo turned out to be different than other zoos, so it was interesting.”
• Sensing types like experiences and tradition (especially SJ types). “My favorite vacation was renting a house boat on the Mississippi River for a week: seeing sunsets, water skiing before breakfast, jumping off a cliff into the water,” says, Elizabeth, ESFP. “My husband is a Sensing type and he thinks vacations are about doing things, says Helen, INFP, “He doesn’t consider reading a book, doing something.” “My happiest memories are vacationing with my extended family in the same cottage on the same beach for the last 40 years,” says, Betsy, ISFJ, “I love the familiarity and reflecting on how this year is different from others.”
• Feeling types consider everyone’s needs when planning a vacation. They try to make it a happy experience for everyone and creating happy memories is their goal. “I privately ask each child what’s their top 3 wishes for vacations, something they want to do, and I try to work them into the week,” says, Elizabeth, ESFP.
• Everyone is happier when personality type knowledge is part of vacation planning. Helen, INFP, married to an ISTP, tells how she has used personality type knowledge to find a way to meet each of their needs on vacation: “My husband’s dream vacation is one sensation after another - volleyball, boom boxes, skeet ball, helicopter rides, and roller coasters. To me, those are just diversions from what’s most meaningful in life: time to reflect and build intimacy. My dream vacation is a quiet beach, a lovely setting, and a good book. The challenge is how to meet my need for peace and quiet and his need for action and variety. This year our goal is to take a week’s vacation visiting all the small amusement parks on the East Coast. He’ll love the days spent riding the rides with our son, and I’ll love the days in between traveling the beautiful countryside. Yesterday I overheard my husband telling my son, “At night, you and I will take special walks while mom reads her book.” To me, that feels like heaven.”

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